


Think of The Positive

by madd09



Category: Supernatural
Genre: But we are making do with their stupid finale., Could he have been happy on earth YES, Do i think Dean dying and going to Heaven was good NO, Let Dean help you process the shows finale, M/M, finale fix it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:27:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27642080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madd09/pseuds/madd09
Summary: Set after the Series finale.  As Dean drives off in the impala he has time to try and process exactly what has happened and goes through some sort of seven stages of grief, in a way an emotionally stunted person can.  He tries to focus on the positive of being in Heaven, if he can think of any.Will he be able to come to terms, will he have the guts to talk to Cas? Read to find out.If your frustrated with the finale, let me help you process it with this fic.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

Dean was driving down a long open road. Seeing Baby in Heaven was the first thing that felt okay since he realised he was dying. 

Dean may have not had the best “healthy coping mechanisms.” Emotionally stunted was a favourite phrase of Sams. 

But sliding in behind the wheel and taking Baby out on the open road, was healthier than drinking until he passed out. 

Would it have made more sense to stay with Bobby and catch up? Should he go and visit his parents? 

Should he have clarified what Bobby meant about Cas? Is Cas free from the empty? Is he in heaven? Can Dean see him? 

Probably yes to all. But was he going to not yet? 

Dean had never been one good for reflection and processing. He was always looking for the next hunt the next problem to solve. But he was in heaven and there were no monsters to fight. No problems no nothing. 

If Jack had fixed Heaven as Bobby had said, it sounded like it was going to be a happy place to relax. 

Which meant he needed to think. 

It wasn’t that he had thought himself immortal. He understood he would die, but he had gotten cocky over the years. 

The more monsters he defeated, the more impossible situations he got out of, literally coming back from the dead multiple times. 

Can give a guy a false sense of security. 

He may have put on a brave face for Sammy when he was dying. But now he was by himself Dean was allowed to be pissed off. 

A fucking nail. That was how he died. He was Dean Fucking Winchester and at the end of the day, it wasn’t Death, or Lucifer, or God himself that killed him. It wasn’t even the blood-sucking vampires he had been fighting really. It was a stupid nail in a beam that was sticking out. 

Dean would admit he had an ego, and how was he meant to admit how he actually died. It was embarrassing and really a worse ending than if Chuck had written it himself. 

This couldn’t be it. He may have been accepting in front of Sam. But how is this how it ends No it can’t be? The bloodsuckers knocked him out and he hallucinated his death and his goodbye with Sammy as he was dying. 

That has to be it. He had been knocked out and sucked dry from a Vamp. and while he was losing all his blood he was delusional and dreamed a sucky ending for himself.

Because it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fucking fair. If that was how he went out. He was pissed just thinking of it. Again he was Dean Fucking Winchester, he deserved better. Jack may have been taking a hands-off approach as God.

But you telling him that after everything he did for the earth, all the sacrifices he had made. It ends like this. No that wasn’t fair. He hadn’t lost everything given everything to go out like this. He had been cruising in baby, but as he felt his anger rise he pushed his foot to the floor.

Why couldn’t he drive recklessly, he was already dead, though if he was being honest with himself he would have rather gone out crashing Baby. It would have been sad to wreck Baby. But would have been a better way to go and at least something he could admit to others. 

Dean turned the volume up and just drove trying to focus on the music. Before he let the anger fully overtake him. He didn’t know how much time had passed but eventually, he was able to breathe slightly. 

He had been trying to be more than his anger. It had been something he had been trying to work on and he wasn’t going to let his anger beat him now. 

He had to try and process this. It is what it is he was dead. If he let his anger rise, it wouldn’t stop and he would make himself miserable for eternity. Who knows how long he had been driving to come to this conclusion Bobby had said time worked differently here in Heaven but he felt like he had been driving for a long time. 

Think of the positives, think of the positives, Dean tried to mantra himself. 

Positive - Billie/Death isn’t trying to reverse everyone who is alive who shouldn’t be. His friends are safe. He did that. That was something he could be proud of, he had made sure Charlie, and Bobby and all the other Apocalypse people and anyone else who had been revived was safe 

Positive - God wasn’t using humans as chess pieces, or trying to destroy their earth. If he couldn’t be proud of that what could he be proud of? Thanks to him and his family they had saved literally the whole world from the ultimate threat. 

Positive - Michael and Lucifer may not have been problems for years but at least he could say they were officially off the playing board now.

Positive - It may not have much to do with him, more Sam, but at least he knew Hell was under control with Rowena and that Demons weren’t terrorizing Earth. 

Maybe he should have listened to Sam years ago. Listing all these positives in his mind was actually helping him slightly accept being in Heaven and being Dead. 

Positive - Sam was Alive.  
Positive - Jack seemed happy being God.  
Positive - It seemed Cas wasn’t stuck in the empty.  
Positive - When he was ready it seemed like he was going to be able to visit his family blood and found. 

Now he just needed to try and come up with positives about his stupid death.  
Positive - He went out doing what he knew.  
Positive - He did his duty as a big brother and his little brother is alive.  
Positive - He took down several bloodsuckers with him.  
Positive - He saved two young kids' lives.

It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t the ending he would have picked for himself. Yet isn’t how he always said he wanted to go out. Saving People Hunting Things. Sure he may have thought it would be a bit more heroic. But free will, no one in control this was the way it was meant to happen with no one writing his story obviously.

Windows down, trees blurring as he sped past, classic rock music blaring. He was coming to terms slowly but surely. Really he had no choice but to come to terms. But he was slowly being able to work it out in his own mind. 

Could being Dead be positive? Could being in Heaven be positive. 

When Dean had thought of retiring it was on a beach beer in hand with Cas and Sam. And that really wasn’t possible. Not just because he couldn’t imagine doing it now without Cas by his side.

But could he have ever left the hunting life? Even if there wasn’t a big crisis. If he knew there were monsters out there and he was physically capable of fighting. Would he have ever been able to stop? It was all he had ever known and he felt pride in saving people. It was his purpose in life. So could he have ever given it up and retired as he wanted. 

But here he could, there were monsters to fight. And while he wasn’t sure where Cas was he could find him. And Sam would join eventually. Plus it would be better than he ever imagined because Bobby could be there. Mom and Dad could be there. Here in heaven, it wasn’t just Sam, and Cas.

It might take a while, but he could make this work. He could accept being in Heaven.  
The biggest positive though was Cas was here. After the Empty took him, Dean thought he would never see Cas again. But now he could he would get to spend eternity with Cas. there was nothing to come between and pull them apart. They had a lot to talk about and it was the first thing Dean needed to do in Heaven.

Find Cas


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to really stress I hate this ending or the show. I think Dean ending up in Heaven is terrible. I think he could have easily found happiness on earth. But I am just trying to make a better ending with what we were given.

Dean pulled Baby over to the side of the road. He got out and sat on the hood, there was a lovely sunset happening that he could watch while he came up with a plan. He maybe should have asked Bobby how this whole Heaven thing works. He was pretty sure he didn’t have his cell phone on him, and even if he did, he doubted it would work here. 

Dean was going to have to show some faith and hope prayer worked up here and Cas had his ears on. Otherwise, he would retrace his route and get back to Bobby. But he would rather solve the problem himself first. So prayer it was.

“Hey Cas, I don't know how it all works up here, but ah yeah I hope you have your ears on. I’m assuming you are up here. I hope you are up here. I think you are up here Bobby said you helped Jack turn Heaven into this. I guess Jack delivered with his paradise, you were right as usual after all. I’m up here in Heaven in case you haven’t figured that out. You are probably angry you sacrificed yourself for us and I followed you so quickly. Honestly, I want to ask Jack if it was some kind of fail safe plot from Chuck or even Billie.” Even with the new self-awareness, he was developing. Speaking his emotions were still difficult. Especially with the unknown of if Cas could even hear him.

“If you can hear me Cas, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I haven’t been able to stop thinking of everything you said. I’m sorry you felt like it was something you could never have. I’m sorry I just stood there as you spoke, I’m sorry you had to sacrifice yourself for me. I’m just sorry.” Dean held a sound he hadn’t heard in years sound of wings flapping. 

“Hello, Dean.” Greeted Cas he had settled on the bonnet next to Dean, in his typical suit and trench coat. 

Tears brimmed in Dean’s eyes, he had already been slightly overwhelmed, and seeing Cas in the flesh something he had never thought would be possible anytime soon. Seeing him there healthy and with his wings was more than he could handle. He reached out and pulled Cas to him in an awkward hug.   
Cas was slightly stiff, they were sitting side by side so it wasn’t easy. But Dean was determined, holding for a couple of seconds more than really was appropriate. 

“You don’t need to apologise for anything Dean. I’m content in my decisions.” Cas looked uncomfortable as he stared at Dean.

Which hurt Dean, how many times had Sam made fun of them for always staring at each other and it hadn’t been uncomfortable in years. Yet now it was more uncomfortable than ever. 

“I do need to apologise Cas. I need to apologies for being a coward. For years now deep deep down I had some understanding that how I saw you, what I felt for you wasn’t brotherly love, or even family love, at least not in the way I loved Jack, Bobby, Mom, Charlie, Jody, and everyone. But it was easier for me to just say it was because you are my best friend. And there was always some major situation to deal with. So I never had to try and unpack it.” Dean was struggling to keep eye contact with Cas. He wanted to turn and look anywhere else. But Cas deserved Dean’s bravery Dean wanted to be the man Cas thought he was the man Cas deserved. 

“But since your sacrifice Cas, I’ve had no choice but to think and process. I’ll be truthful I may not be 100 percent comfortable with it, or understand what it means for me. I thought I had more time to process, more times to come to terms. But I promised myself the first time I saw you I would tell you. I love you too Cas, I’m in love with you.” As hard as with was for Dean to say, he also felt a weight lift off him as he admitted it out loud for the first time.

“Dean, you don’t have to…” Started Cas.

“I don’t have to nothing Cas I want to. The whole point of defeating God was to have free will right. So that we got to live lives of our own choosing. Well, I want to be happy, I’m not happy I’m here but I’m taking it a fresh start. A chance to try and be the me I want to be. That me want’s to be truthful with myself. And that means admitting I’m in love with you. If I misread what you said, or you’ve changed your mind and realised I’m not who you thought now you’ve had time then I’ll understand but if you want me Cas I’m yours.” Dean was trying to convey his emotions as best as he could. He was putting everything on the line hoping Cas was picking up what he was putting down. But would understand if he had changed his mind. 

“Dean I meant every word. Trust me when I say I know you better than Sam, I’ve seen your memories, I’ve seen your soul, I rebuilt you. I know every mistake you’ve made and all the good. I love you and I will always love you.” Cas looked so earnest, Dean could think of nothing to say in return. 

So he did the only thing he could think of, finally kiss him.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope this helps those trying to process the finale like me. This is really a very meta chapter of what hs been going through my mind today to try and deal with the finale.


End file.
